"Hey! Watch This!"

My two new roommates in a college dorm returned from a night of drinking. One, wanting to show off his ability to light lighter fluid, squirted some on the surface of his desk, much more than he intended in his inebriated state. Uttering those famous words, "Hey, watch this," he threw a match onto his desk. He got the POOF and flame atop the desk, but then the extra lighter fluid which had dripped into the desk drawer caught fire. He opened the drawer and the flames became even more intense. Realizing they had a problem, the two grabbed the entire desk, ran down the hall and somehow threw the flaming mass out of the third story window! Somehow they found another desk, returned to the room, and passed out. Only the three of us knew the who, what, where of the event.

P.S. They both flunked out over the course of the next few months.

- Lee


In the early seventies, the grad students in our group were celebrating the successful defense of one of our guys' thesis with a traditional party in the lab.

A celebrant who had already taken on board a substantial amount of cheap wine decided to experiment: Taking some liquid nitrogen, he managed to freeze the aforesaid wine in his paper cup with a pencil sticking out like a popsicle. With the cry of "Hey Guys, watch this," he proceeded to lick the now - 195.8ƒC lump of wine. The results were what any kid who grew up in snow country might expect. Removing the wine from the tongue in this case was painful, but ultimately successful.

- Dr. Bill


When I worked in the maintenance department of a nuclear power plant, one of my technicians was troubleshooting a radiation detector that had a 10,000 volt power supply. It was sitting on his workbench with a "Danger! High Voltage" sign when one of our plant engineers came into the shop.

The technician pointed to the sign and the engineer replied, "That instrument has very low amperage. Amps is what hurts you, not voltage." The technician said jokingly, "Then grab hold." The engineer did. We saw him visibly stiffen, and his eyes rolled to the back of his head. As he managed to free himself, he said "See?"

- Rich


When I was a youngster, my older brother and I were walking to the local gas station to get a soft drink one day when I noticed that there was an air hose for car tires next to the pumps. I happened to have a head cold at the time, and I got the bright idea to allow the air to gently flow from one nostril through the other since I thought I had complete control of the nozzle because it had a lever attached to it to toggle air on and off.

I told my brother, "Hey, watch this!" Then, I placed the nozzle up to one of my nostrils and tried to slowly release the pent up air. All of a sudden, a high-pressure burst of air shot into my nasal cavity to the point where a small pile of green nasal juices hit the ground. Now I just use a hanky when the need arises.

- Phil


When my son Ted was in his late teens or early twenties, he went with his friend Greg to the zoo. Ted drifted off and engaged a llama in a conversation of sorts. He would make a kissing noise like you use to call a dog. The llama would respond with a bit of a belching action. When this happened two or three times Ted summoned Greg to see the act, "Hey, Greg. Watch this!" This time when Ted cued the llama it went one step beyond rehearsal and drenched Ted in some God-awful sputum that he had been bringing up and storing up in his spitter, apparently waiting for a more appreciative audience. Greg was impressed, but Ted had had enough.

- Ross


Many years ago a friend decided to perform a fire-breathing act at an outdoor party. Unfortunately, the gasoline blew back onto his face and ignited. We put the fire out after a few seconds, but his face now had no eyebrows, and thin strips of burnt skin were hanging from his cheeks. Luckily the burns were superficial. The party was in Bermuda, and a couple of days later we set off on a yacht race from Bermuda to Copenhagen. By the time we reached Copenhagen his face had just about healed.

- Tony


Once, my father decided to amuse visiting relatives with his beloved homemade cannon. (Yes, we actually lived in a neighborhood where you could fire your cannon in the backyard.) After loading up the small artillery piece with gunpowder and a 1-1/2" ball bearing from the mill, he pointed it toward the cornfield beyond the back fence and said something like "OK, watch this!" and lit the fuse.

After a few seconds the thing went off with its usual deafening concussion. (This is probably why I have tinnitus.) Unfortunately, the cannon ball ricocheted off a fence post. On its return flight it hit Uncle Carm in the thigh. He screamed and grabbed his leg, then limped around in a circle groaning. When he was able to gasp a few words he mumbled "I'm OK; It's all right." He was a retired Marine Corps sergeant, a veteran of Iwo Jima. Tough man. Fortunately, the worst damage was a large bruise. Dad never fired a live round from his cannon again.

- Jerry Benson


When they were about 12, my brother and a neighbor girl decided to conduct a science experiment: They set a bucket in the middle of our paved driveway and proceeded to put a sample of everything they could find in it. I distinctly remember toothpaste, birdseed and kerosene going into the bucket. Add in the gunpowder they got from our other brother by pounding bullets apart with a hammer, and finally, of course, a match. Our dad refused to fix the resulting hole in the driveway, and it stayed there for years as a reminder of this failed opportunity for natural selection to improve the gene pool.

- Lucky


One evening, after some significant beer intake with friends, my husband Brucie declared that he could put our dog's favorite tennis ball in his mouth. He actually had a few grey cells that had not yet acquired maximum beer saturation, so he first rinsed off the ball at the kitchen sink. Then he said, "Hey, watch this," and he proceeded to open his mouth very wide and push and squash and smash the ball into his mouth. As the ball cleared his teeth, the ball expanded to its round shape. "Wow," we all exclaimed! "He did it!"

This is not the end of the story. After a short period of time, like 30 seconds or so, Brucie realized he was in deep doodoo. His tongue had been pushed back down his throat and he couldn't breathe. Since the ball had expanded, he could not get it out of his mouth without help from his fingers - but his mouth was stretched open to its maximum and the sides started to tear. At the last second the ball emerged from his mouth. Brucie has never repeated this activity, but he still drinks beer.

- Moochie


One Halloween my buddy Mike got the bright idea of going out as an "escaped prisoner." He got a bright orange jumpsuit and carefully stenciled "Multnomah County Jail" across the back of it. On the front he wrote a nine-digit number. Around midnight we were walking to the next bar down the street when he noticed a police car at a convenience store. Two policemen were at the counter. Mike's last words before walking in the door were, "Hey guys! Watch this!"

As soon as he walked through the door he was pepper sprayed, thrown to the floor, and handcuffed with both policemen sitting on him before he could say, "Trick or Treat."

- Jell-O


I was in the kitchen and enjoying the sound of laughter from the living room where my husband Alan played with our daughters Emily, Amanda, and Molly. More laughter. Pause. Then came the infamous, "Hey, honey, come watch this!"

I stepped into the doorway to watch the father of my little girls, ages one, three and five, swing them in a laundry basket. The centrifugal force was too much, the basket handles broke, and off the girls flew onto the couch and onto the living room carpet. They, fortunately, survived their childhoods and are now reasonably well-adjusted young adults. Alan is still a wonderful, fun-loving dad to them and our two other sons.

- Mary Ann


Back in the days when you could buy real fireworks, one of my stupid jock friends hollered, "Watch this!" and then threw an M-80 under a wooden apple box and jumped on top of it. The M-80 blew the apple box to smithereens, and blew the soles off my friend's shoes. His feet were numb for a couple of days, but he was otherwise unscathed - and he said it cured his athlete's foot!

- Henry


I took gymnastic classes since the third grade. Several years later, I brought some non-gymnastic friends to the gym with me one Friday night. While I was up on the trampoline, I yelled, "HEY, WATCH THIS!" and began to do a front flip/back flip/ front flip, with twist/back flip with twist, and so on in difficulty until I got so dizzy that a front flip propelled me across the gymnasium like a little 65-pound cannonball. Andy, a particularly muscular and adept adult male gymnast, was meanwhile raising his hands up in the air in preparation to go into a handstand when I flew directly into his outstretched arms like an unexpected football pass - otherwise, I probably wouldn't be in one piece today to tell you this story.

- Sasha


My younger brother one day, when about 10, had the brilliant idea he could launch a rock skyward. After all this was 1969 and the moon landing had just happened. Our physicist parents of course always egged us on to run experiments. Well, my brother set up a board, about 10' long, in a teeter-totter fashion with a fulcrum in about the middle, and a large rock, about as big as his head, sitting on one end of the board.

Then he climbed up on a fence just past the other end of the board. Then he yelled, "Watch this!" and proceeded to jump down on the raised end of the board, which launched the rock directly at his forehead. It knocked him down, bloodied his entire face, and knocked him out.

- Don


After watching Ali Baba & the Forty Thieves and admiring one of the oil lamps with the oil reservoir and long spout with the flame burning at its top, I had a brilliant idea - for a twelve-year-old. I noticed my dad's gas can had similar features. It had a fuel reservoir, long neck and so on. I said to my best friend, "Hey watch this!" I held a match up to the spout and blew into the filler cap. Somehow the metal can remained intact but the resulting blast was awesome.

- Steve


When I was a thirteen-year-old pimple-faced punk, I rudely interrupted my science instructor from his presentation to ask him why flatulence is flammable. He just gave me this blank stare and went about his business. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my Bic lighter. As I lowered the lit flame toward the southern region of my behind, I yelled to the class, "HEY GUYS WATCH THIS!!!" A few seconds later I no longer had any bangs, which had been chin-length before. My instructor just looked at me with his blank stare as the whole class burst out in laughter.

- Michael


My father is a medical doctor. He told me this story about a guy that was briefly in school with him his first year. The new students were getting a tour of an emergency room facility during the first week or two of med school. The instructor was going over tools and equipment in the ER and how to turn things on, etc. My father told me that one of the med students turned on the (I don't know the name of it but that thing that they shock patients with to get their heart started again) jumper cable machine thing, yelled to his fellow med students to "watch this" and put those paddles on each side of his head and fired them off.

It knocked him out immediately. When the instructor brought him back, he told the student that the only reason he was still alive was that the electricity from the paddles arced through his wire rimmed glasses instead of passing through his head. He then kicked the student out of the class and he was subsequently kicked out of med school for his stupidity. Not only was he branded with the stigma of being such an idiot to get kicked out of med school this way, he also had scars on both sides of his head from the earpieces of his glasses.

- K.O.


As Read on Car Talk ]