Wear a Tinfoil Hat? These Inconspicuous Cars Keep It on the Downlow

Craig Fitzgerald

Craig Fitzgerald | Jul 21, 2015

So, you're a Doomsday prepper and you scan the skies for black helicopters like Henry Hill in Goodfellas. You need a car that's going to help you blend in with the crowd.

(Warner Bros.)

Alert reader Brad sent a photo of a Nissan Frontier he spotted in Kodiak, Alaska that might do the job if you live in the bushes.

But then you've got to go to all the work of having it wrapped. Why not just choose a car that came from the factory blending into the background like a plaid sportcoat at car dealers' convention? Our recommendations for this underserved demographic, right here:

(Wikimedia Commons, IFCAR)

2004 to 2007 Chevrolet Malibu
The current ninth-generation Chevrolet Malibu is a wonderful automobile that fights way out of its weight class in comparison with compeitors from Europe and Japan. The sixth generation Malibu was a fine running car, but might as well have been named the Chevrolet John Doe. You'd have to pull dental records to identify it after a tragedy. It seemed like every single one of them was white, but that's not true at all. At least every third one was beige. Government drones would have a better chance finding Saddam Hussein's cousin than it would of finding you in one of these.

(Wikimedia Commons, IFCAR)

2003 to 2009 Toyota Prius
With a few new bodystyles to choose from, and something resembling "style," the Toyota Prius actually stands out a little in traffic now. The prior generation was so bland and ubiquious in certain locations, that they should've just issued the same key to everyone so you could just get in the closest silver one available.

(Wikimedia Commons, IFCAR)

2008 to present Chrysler Town & Country
Say you not only have to keep your own identity secret, but you've got to move the whole clan to your secret lead-lined bunker in the Piedmont region. The car for you is the Chrysler Town & Country. Here's a fact backed by seconds of research: at least 14,359 Town & Countrys drive past you in traffic every day, and you never noticed a single one of them. Here's what's truly incredible: It was styled by Ralph Gilles, who also penned the 2014 Dodge Viper. He must've done the Town & Country on a Friday before he was going on vacation.

(Wikimedia Commons, IFCAR)

2011 to present Volkswagen Jetta
In previous generations, the Volkswagen Jetta was always a little bit left of center, a cap tipped at a rakish angle as compared to all the other Genericmobiles running around the countryside. As a result, nobody bought them except for urban hipsters who needed to travel longer distances than they could manage on a bamboo skateboard. In 2011, Volkswagen recognized the error of its ways. VW bosses went back to the drawing board (after confiscating everybody's French curve) and styled a car so relentlessly boring that the robots building it dozed off.

(Wikimedia Commons, IFCAR)

2005 to 2012 Toyota RAV4
Toyota has a whole range of vehicles that you couldn't pick out of a lineup, but the undisputed king of Hide and Go Seek was the Toyota RAV4 sold from '05 to '12.

"Sir, did you see the car that hit you?"

"Yes, it was a silver-pewter-beigy-tan Hy...on...dota?"

"We'll call you."

2002 to 2008 Mazda6
The Mazda6 is a car so deep under cover its name is a number, like Agent 86 from Get Smart. (We're never sure whether to call it a "Mazda6" or a "Mazda Mazda6".) There wasn't a single identifying characteristing on the first generation of cars, and what was more enticing for people who like to (ahem) flaunt the local speed laws was that Mazda offered the Mazdaspeed6 ("Mazda Speed 6?" "Mazda Mazdaspeed 6"?) which had 274hp cloaked in a body so unadorned it should've just been wrapped in a brown paper bag with eyeholes.  We hear the next generation is going to be even more nondescript and be called the "Mazda Mazda ?".

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