The Nissan Juke: Horoscope Edition

Guest Bloggers

Guest Bloggers | Apr 22, 2015

By Michelle Naranjo

The Nissan Juke is blissfully unaware of how other people feel about it. Personally, I love the thing. I find the style of the compact crossover delightful, and that it offers a fun drive. My friend Dave, on the other hand, says that the Juke is like Britain’s Got Talent’s Susan Boyle: "Their capabilities are clear to see, but MAN, neither one is much to look at."

For 2015, Nissan has introduced the Color Studio program so that Juke owners can personalize their rides-- just in case if people didn’t already stare at your Juke enough.

While I am not an astrologer, that didn’t stop me from predicting how each zodiac sign would personalize their Juke. Each of these Jukes starts with the SL trim level, which has a base price of $25,635. Final prices vary, as they say.

Ready? Here, now, are my creations!

The Aries: $27,925

Aries: Fire Sign

Ruled by the planet Mars, long considered to be an aggressive planet. Red really riles an Aries up so to cool one down, start with Pearl White and keep them motivated with a dash of Red. Yes, this is a red with no fancy name-- quite possibly, an automotive industry first. Or second, counting Black. From Henry Ford.

Taurus: $26,640

Taurus: Earth sign

Ruled by the planet Venus. We all know who she was.

Nissan doesn’t like green, apparently so the earthy Taurus can’t have a Juke in green or any variation of brown and will have to settle for Super Black with just a touch of Solar Yellow on the front and rear bumpers. But that's okay, because black will keep a Taurus grounded-- if not slightly reserved. Whatever you do, don’t add red. Or, rather, Red.

Gemini: Air sign

Ruled by the red planet, Mercury. Probably named for its fast spin.

Geminis love attention and tend to be rude. Flashy red can get the attention that they seek while matte black trim will give them a little stability. And attention. Trim is not called trim by a Gemini: it’s flair.

Cancer: $26,930

Cancer: Water sign

Ruled by the Moon. Not just any moon: The Moon.

The Cancer sign is dependable and reliable. Conservative colors like Brilliant Silver with white accents is just the soothing, homely combination for this caregiver. The less black, the better the mental state of a Cancer.

Leo: Fire sign

Ruled by the Sun.

Orange, gold, purple, and red are all rich colors that keep a fire in the Leo belly. Bordeaux Black with Solar Yellow accents is just the right combination for a Leo wanting to show off and be surrounded by rich colors.

Virgo: Earth sign

Ruled by Mercury, but maybe the cold side of the planet, because a Virgo is not as hot headed as a Gemini.

A Juke in Gun Metallic with trim pieces in Electric blue are the perfect elixir for the strategist sign. Virgos are practical but also critical and this tasteful version won’t raise too many eyebrows.

Libra: $27,405

Libra: Air sign

Ruled by the planet Venus. She gets around.

Cosmic Blue is the best color for a Libra because it symbolizes balance and harmony. A zap of white trims shows off the Libran’s impeccable taste, love for symmetry, and refined air.

Scorpio: $27,530

Scorpio: Water sign

Ruled by the planet Pluto. Not to be confused with Pluto the Dog.

Even though it’s a water symbol, the Scorpio tends to be emotionally intense and so the sexy Cayenne Red accented by deep Bordeaux Black is the perfect combination to reflect mystery.

Sagittarius: $27,435

Sagittarius: Fire Sign

Ruled by the planet Jupiter.

Solar level accented with orange is the ideal combination of bright, pure colors that appeal to the Sagittarian’s love of all shades of saffron. Often unrealistic, the jolt of color keeps the Sagittarian focused and on the move.

Capricorn: $27,800

Capricorn: Earth sign

Ruled by Saturn.

Closely guarded and usually an overachiever, the Capricorn likes stark contrast that represents their practical nature. It might looks cold and severe, but would a Capricorn care? Not at all.

Aquarius: Air sign

Ruled by Uranus.

Aquarians are charismatic caregivers who, given the opportunity, would invent their own colors. Highly fashionable and often outlandish, basic black with zings of bright colors show the Aquarius inventiveness.

Pisces: Water sign

Ruled by the planet Neptune.

White is a favorite of the Pisces. Yellow makes them feel good about themselves. Turns out, that's often necessary, since Pisces tend to worry so much that they get overwhelmed.

So… how’d I do? Did I sell any Jukes to astrology fans out there?

Don’t like my choices? Fine. Make your own! Nissan’s customization program consists of a dozen accessories that the dealer can install or the owner can apply on their lonesome. The accessories include bumper accents, headlight rings, side mirror caps, door handle covers, side door sills, a rear roof spoiler, hatch handle finishers, lower hatch accent, 17-inch aluminum-alloy wheels and center caps, and for the interior, inserts for tweeters and vents, and floor mats. Already own or intend on buying a Juke from 2011-2014? All of these accessories can make that used Juke new to you, with the exception of the headlight rings, side mirror caps, and front and rear bumper accents which will not fit. (Car Talk tip: You can always break out a Sharpie and fill in what’s missing. We won't tell.)

You can rehearse your color scheme on a special page and even share it, so that your friends and family will know to bar the front door. My first go at designing my ideal Juke resulted in a Bordeaux Black (really, a dark purple) model with every possible option set to bright red. First impression was that I was really proud of myself. Upon revisiting it a few hours later, I realized that if I had red door handles every day of my life, I would spiral into a deep funk and join a monastery. Fortunately for all of us, that first custom car only lived online, and it died a quick death when I promptly cleared my cache. But, if I had actually owned a purple Juke with red door handles, I could always pop them off and swallow the $95 cost, I guess. It probably works out less expensive than my annual lipstick budget that also results in some unfortunate shades, sometimes. ("Pink Me Up," by Maybelline, anyone?) The Juke is cheap and cheerful, although Nissan really, really hates that first “c” word. The 2015 Juke starts at $20,250.00, and for $24,830.00, you get the zippy NISMO version is a steal in any color combination, from Aries to Virgo.


(All photos courtesy of Nissan)

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